aT.thE.toP.oF.thE.worlD

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

struggle 挣扎

我每天都在挣扎着
all this while, I'm struggling just to get by each day...

挣扎...
what would be the picture in your head when you see such a word?
I see the cliff that we climbed in sabah, after losing our way...
I see the leg press carriage loaded. 6 a side...
I see the stupid mathematical induction and partial fraction shit...
I see salty chicken and sand-like creatine powder...

every day, every moment
I struggle just to finish one thing, so that I'll be faced with another struggle
I worry about everything
I worry about my school work, I worry about my progress in gym, I worry about other CCA workload, I worry for my future
and I struggle
to find a way to appease my mind of these worries

to be true, I'm not really a tough person, though I may look like one
I know I look as if I've got no feelings, but I am emotional
I feel like crying almost everyday, I feel like a loser in most of the things I do right now... I've never felt like this before, I'm really stuck in a shithole
dark, lurid, scary, alone.

yeah... I do have a lot of passion... I have a lot perseverence.
but they are faced with setbacks, denials, confusions, frustrations, fear...
they are forced to compromise...
I'm sorry
I'm really sorry
they are not what they used to be
the joy in doing all these things have evolved into something called burden, responsibility, destiny, whatever crap you call it
the passion, no longer pure, no longer naive, no longer extravagant.
the perserverence, no longer firm, no longer certain, no longer burning.
I'm sorry
I apologise

why am I being such a slave? why am I in such a discomfiture?
what's wrong with the world
what's wrong with me
I feel helpless
I feel useless
I'm just a slave of my own burdens

I watched
helplessly
there was nothing I could do
really
as one by one, the once vibrant but now wan angels of my ego and confidence
savaged by grisly demons
I have done what I could, maybe not my best, but what I was willing and able to give

I've lost the battle this time...
but I must win the war
bye for now
but D-day's coming
cya guys
I'm going hunting
when I'm back
you all shall be defeated
I'll pwn all
I'll bring back my old friend
his name is Passion
good-bye

mirai
at the top of the world.
9:52 PM

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

we are the champs =)

yay... lanke cup and qiuping cup over... we are triple champ man, ji shiok yi xia... personally I got 5th, was very lucky though... during the 5th and 6th game I was losing like mad lah... then jia hui time going to use up liao so he a bit careless then I killed his one big piece. as for rong yao, his time was using up also, then I killed one piece also, but he still winning, but somehow he resigned, maybe he's too nervous and frustrated... in a nutshell, it was sheer luck :P
si qing and zhang xiang got 1st and 2nd respectively, I sort of expected that... si qing too pro liao lah... I was winning quite a lot for the game against him but in the end he still won, very tough opponent sia... oh yah last game I played xu dong, I miscalculated the situation and played pretty badly since mid game, then in the end lost about 10moku... then after counting right, got this RJC guy asked another RJC next to the table "eh who win who win?" "xu dong" "YES! YAY! YAY XU DONG WIN! YAY!" then I was like wtf... but couldn't be bothered with him liao lah I'm not the one who's so particular about winning or losing on the goban anymore... prize presentation after that game... HCI dominated the top 3 for lower sec category, the qiu ping cup siong hwai got individual champ, then come lanke cup, almost everybody got a trophy... haha... this year, we are triple champ! how satisfying ^^

mirai
at the top of the world.
8:07 PM